Eli Wood!
by z-animatr
Summary: Hollywood, Bollywood, Eli Wood! Eliwood, The lord, finds out that his father owned studios in Eli Wood, The place. The army decide to make the first picture, an extended oneshot: The Healer, a SainxPriscilla.


This is a crazy idea, basically I had a humour fic that went nowhere (Not The Perfect Couple something else) and a one-shot that also went nowhere. So the obvious conclusion was to combine the two!

I hope this works…

I do not own Fire Emblem, or… I don't own anything okay… except this of course.

* * *

**Chapter 1 -TheHealer- The Miniseries Part 1**

"Lord Pent whatever is that thing?" Kent distastefully asked the Sage, who was currently tinkering with an ancient-looking machine next to him.

"This is Louise, my wife" Pentreplied, holding her "And I'll thank you not to be so rude about her". Kent looked stunned.

"No. No I meant that machine" Kent said frantically.

"Oh, err well this is a probing device" Pent said, embarrassed. Legault poked his head in the door.

"Pro…bing…?" he said.

"MIND probing device…" Pent said.

"Oh… ok" Legault said disappearing from the doorway. Eliwood took his place.

"What's that?" he asked

"A MIND probing device" Pent explained, making sure to stress the _mind_.

"Really, well that could work really well, what with my new studios and all." Eliwood said.

Yes you err… read correctly. Eliwood had found out that his late father Lord Elbert owned studios, called Elibe Lifetime Flims inc., which he had left for Eliwood in his will. These studios were in the prestigious studio suburb of Pherae, called Elibe-Wood or Eli-wood for short.

Anyway, after Eliwood found out about the studios Nergal imploded, because he realised that Eliwood was going to get rich due to his own orders and the rest of the army, who were left with nothing to do, decided to take part into ELFinc's first miniseries. Enough explaining.

"Anyway.. Let's get it into the hall and have some fun!" Eliwood said.

"Fun?" Kent asked, scratching his orange hair.

Together they wheeled the machine out into the hall.

"Allright everyone, check it out, it's a probing machine!" Eliwood announced to the crowd, who were sitting around, playing cards, reading, basically doing whatever.

"MIND probing" Pent added hurriedly, as he saw some eyes light up.

"Yeah… Who'll go first?" Eliwood said. They all looked at each other. Serra jumped up and down.

"Me, Me, pick ME!" Serra screamed.

"Uhhh Anyone?" Eliwood said

"Meeee!" Serra squealed.

"Uhh Eliwood , despite those lessons we all took in ignoring Serra, I think she's the only one who wants to try the thing" Hector said walking up to them.

"YAY! Go Hector!" Serra shouted running up to them. "Where do these go?" she said holding up two knobs, which she had just ripped from the front of the machine.

"Serra please give them to me." Pent said, holding out his hands, while wondering whether his machine could cope with such vacuousness. He fixed his machine quickly and plugged Serra in before she could mess with it again.

"And let's turn it on!... Inside, Inside, let's explore inside!" Eliwood announced, bursting into a song from his favourite TV program Eli-tubies, which, incidentally, was filmed next door.

Pent glared at him for a second before switching on a screen. It suddenly filled with quickly changing images, some pictures of Erk reoccurred several times.

"Wooah, it's no wonder she can't focus on anything." Hector said.

"Now for the speakers" Pent said, a little evilly switching a few knobs.

_I need to borrow Lucius' hair straightener, Geitz's shoulder is fluffy Heehee, Maybe I should trim Lowen's hair, I wonder what I would look like in Fiora's boots… _

"Stop, please make it stop" Hector begged from the floor, clutching his ears. Pent promptly turned off the speakers.

"What's going on?… How's my hair" Serra asked. The screen then stopped on Serra herself, smoothing her hair.

"Yep, just as I thought, nothing but her" Matthew said from the other side of the room.

"Okay, let's get to work people, time is money!" Farina, the obvious choice for financial manager, shouted.

* * *

"Mind probing, where did you get that idea from?" Eliwood asked Pent.

"Athos was working on it…" Pent said trailing off as Hector set the scene for their miniseries.

"Okay ladies, here's your big chance!" he said. Most of the women leaned forward expectantly. "One of you gets to be…" A drumroll sounded somewhere "Impregnated by Sain!"

The studio fell silent.

"Ladies, here is your big chance to be with me!" Sain announced. They all looked at him, even Serra didn't want this. They all started telling each other why they shouldn't be the one to get the lead role.

"Insolence! You should all be queuing up to be in this role, why I would love to have it." Marcus said. The gaze of the entire room shifted onto him.

"Look everyone, there's no need for mass debate, ok?" Hector said trying to stop the flow of muttering.

"MASS DEBATE!" Nils screamed, rolling on the floor holding his stomach. The collective gaze turned on him and Hector raised an eyebrow. (AN: This actually happened in my English class, just replace Nils with half my class and Hector with my English teacher…)

"O…kay… I'll choose. Hmmm…" Hector said, the women all swallowed nervously. "Fiora!". The Pegasus knight in question screamed and ran out of the room crying with her sisters close behind her.

"Umm. Priscilla?" Hector asked. Priscilla bowed her head resignedly. She allowed herself to be taken into the makeup room, sobbing, like a lamb to the slaughter, while Sain was grinning to himself. Raven's scowl became a lot more pronounced and he sidled off.

"Okay well I have the other roles set up, Let's get started!" Hector announced.

* * *

That was six months ago and after casting, tantrums, re-casting, fewer tantrums and a whole lot of media hype, the miniseries was ready for television. But before it was to be screened the staff of ELFinc. had to do a final check.

"Everyone, it's finally time to watch the-" Hector shouted, before being cut off by a wave of shushing.

"Can you not see that we are trying to watch the television" Pent complained. To be truthful he wasn't very interested in the program, but everyone enjoys not having to think.

They were watching another children's show (The station owners had realised that there was an inherent lack of education throughout the continent and were trying to do their bit by putting on anything remotely educational).

"Now let's make a pizza face!" The host of the children's show said, trying to pack as much enthusiasm as he could muster into the statement.

"Yes! I'll get the base ready!" The traditional young, attractive female co-host squealed. "Here's the ready made dough, then we add the tomato sauce!" she said rubbing tomato paste into the base, pouting.

"Now let's put some anchovies for lips and a nose, sliced tomatoes for eyes, and add the cheese!" The man said, carefully placing anchovies down, then some mozzarella, covering the anchovies with grated cheese.

"Remember to keep it fresh!" The young woman said, dumping some grass-like vegetables on the top of the pizza face. "Now let's _Fast Forward_!"

"What are they doing?" Bartre asked, confused, as the cast of the children's show ran back and forth with comical speed and corny sound effects.

"Bartre, you see, they're just playing the film really quickly." Dorcas explained, momentarily forgetting that Bartre wasn't aware of how the television system worked.

"You mean there tiny people aren't inside… I must see for myself!" Bartre said, pulling out his axe.

"No! no no no, it's just a spell, yeah a spell which makes the tiny people move really quickly." Dorcas said frantically, grabbing Bartre's axe.

"Okay… but I want to see anyway." Bartre insisted, trying to pry his axe from Dorcas' hand.

"If you do anything the spell will warp them away" Dorcas said calmingly.

On screen the man pulled the pizza out of the oven.

"Is that a Lowen-Pizza?" Bartre grunted, scratching his head. It was true, the pizza was a greasy, slightly soggy version of Lowen, down to the mass of green covering the eyes.

"That doesn't look like me…" Lowen said, frantically.

"Actually it does" Marcus said, while the rest of them sniggered.

"Well… their cooking sucks!" Lowen shouted at them, before walking away.

"And here's one Marty made earlier!" The woman on the screen said, taking out a pizza which looked like Marcus, with strips of turnip for hair, eyebrows and goatee.

"Oh come on!" Marcus complained, as the people around him burst into laughter.

"We're… We're screening… The movie… now…" Hector managed to squeak, simultaneously trying to drown out his own laughter and that of Nils who was rolling on the ground once more.

They all moved over to the main hall where the lights dimmed and the movie began.

* * *

The sun was beginning to set as the army prepared for a final charge. Wil, Rebecca and Louise set another arrow in place. The three Pegasus sisters took to the air and the cavaliers on the ground corrected their hold on their lances.

Everyone was exhausted from nearly two hours of fighting and was trying to muster some strength. Sain tried to think of women, but lately one was pushing her way to the forefront of his thoughts. Priscilla.

Instead of thinking about Priscilla, he focused on his horse, patting its coat. Automatically his mind pondered on how much softer Priscilla's hair would be. Obviously it wasn't working very well.

On the other side of the battleground Priscilla read over a passage in a thunder tome. She had only recently gained the ability to use tomes, and as such wasn't very capable with them. She was to be the healer for… wait, what were the instructions?

She quickly rode away trying to find the tactician.

"Mark!" Priscilla shouted out.

"Mark, what were my– "

"Cavaliers!" Mark shouted back, interrupting Priscilla. She swallowed, Cavaliers meant Sain.

Priscilla nervously rode up to the horsemen, who readying themselves for the final onslaught. What kind of a tactician would put everyone from one class together, she thought angrily.

"Hey, hi!" Priscilla greeted. The cavaliers and paladins turned around with their weapons raised. "It's just me!" She squealed.

"Hey Priscilla, It's great to have you with us" Lowen said kindly, riding over. "We're just waiting for the signal."

Sain turned around again embarrassment colouring his face. He had just been thinking about her and Wham! there she is!

It's time for the yet to be patented Sain charm to go into action, he thought.

"Princess Priscilla!" It begins, she thought.

"I take it that you will be gracing us with your fine healing skills and magic prowess, Princess" Sain complimented

"Uhh Thanks… Sain" Priscilla said, not knowing whether to take it as a compliment or to slap him. Sadly she chose the former. The tactician's trumpet sounded and they kicked (lightly) the horses. They cantered forward as a wave of enemy soldiers came towards them. Priscilla knocked an enemy cavalier off her horse with a well placed Fire, while Sain tried to stab a knight through his armour.

The archers did a great job of picking off any unfinished enemy units, and the magic users cast spells over the heads of the fighting troops. Raven was slashing at a bishop, his steel sword slicing the bishop's staff clean in two. Rebecca shot an arrow right past Raven's head straight into the bishop, who collapsed.

Raven looked around and saw Rebecca pulling on her bowstring, grinning. He smiled back sincerely (albeit briefly), and turned back to the battlefield, but as he did so he caught sight of his sister. And then Sain. Staring at his sister. Any happiness that Raven received from Rebecca disappeared and he gripped his sword tightly out of sheer rage. He ended up venting his rage on a poor cavalier, who ended up on the ground with many, many stab wounds.

The fighting was to cont-

* * *

"This is boring, let's get to the bit which we're all here to watch" Matthew said fiddling with some knobs, fast forwarding the film.

It sped past some fight scenes, Raven and a myrmidon, whom everyone felt sorry for (even if it was a movie), Rebecca and a nomad, Pent, Louise and two druids, and Erk and a mercenary. Priscilla's face flashed on the screen, while the actress herself buried her head in her arms.

* * *

"Watch out Sain!" The on-screen Priscilla screamed, trying to warn him about the very powerful-looking female Sage lurking near the castle. She cast a bolting which struck Sain on the top of his messy hair. The paladin crumbled off his horse, who stood over him (Not on top) to protect him. Oh great, Priscilla thought, now I have to go and heal him.

Soon enough an assortment of opportunistic enemy soldiers were running up to attack the fallen paladin. Kent and Lowen were trying to take out the advancing soldiers, but one or two slipped past them.

Oh god, I can't believe I have to save Sain's life, Priscilla thought, rolling her eyes. Nevertheless she set the soldiers on fire and they ran around screaming.

Priscilla drew out a mend staff when she reached Sain and quickly healed him.

"Priscilla!" Sain shouted when he came to. "Oh err I mean Princess Priscilla of course" he said embarrassed, but quickly regaining his composure "Thankyou oh so much, pretty Princess Priscilla!" Priscilla just stared at him with a delicately raised eyebrow.

"It's okay Sain you-" Priscilla started, but she was cut off by some loud cheering. Bartre was running around with the Sage's head on his axe. Priscilla turned away and Lowen pushed his hair further over his eyes.

"Oh I say!" Kent exclaimed, disgusted.

"I agree heartily" Sain agreed. They rode away to calm Bartre down, and Priscilla lay back on her horse.

"Uhh, Priscilla?" A harsh voice said hesitantly from the side of her horse. She looked down to see Raven looking a little awkward.

"Oh hello Lord Ray- ven, did you want a ride?" Priscilla offered.

"No thanks Priscilla, I just wanted to offer you a word of warning." Raven said "Stay away from Sain." Priscilla was a little taken aback. I thought he was actually going to give me some pointers on battle, she thought, but 'Stay away from Sain'! like I'm going any way near him.

"Oh err of course Lord Brother…" Priscilla said quickly, realising that her thoughts had left a small silence.

"Oh and the battle's over Priscilla, we won, as you may have seen on Bartre's axe…" Raven shot over his shoulder as he walked off.

Sain! he thought, as if any girl would go so low…

* * *

And that's the end of Part one! Yes, in case you haven't noticed the movie is serious…

Now to shamelessly plug my other fic: On the Trail of Han Gak! Anyway,

No matter whether you liked one part or the other, or didn't like it at all, please give me some pointers if you think there's somewhere I can improve (pretty much everywhere). R&R!


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